I’ve always separated sex from love or relationships.
I’ve never been jealous of sex. I’ve always believed that with the person I love, I can share sexual fantasies and experiences. If I love someone, I want the best for him: I want him to do everything he desires, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone or himself or take anything away from me. Seeing him happy and sexually fulfilled makes me happy — and turns me on even more.

If my partner prefers someone else just because of sex, the relationship wouldn’t have lasted anyway. I’d rather take that risk than live with the idea of sex as something scarce, or miss out on knowing my partner’s deeper desires. Other people don’t threaten me, because I know great sex or attraction can’t replace an entire relationship.

Some people say promiscuity is for the young, and then you settle down and stop exploring. To me, that’s like never going to restaurants again and only eating what your spouse cooks. I love my husband’s cooking — he’s really good — but haute cuisine is one of my passions, and there are dishes I’ll never have in my kitchen. Just like he can’t recreate Alchemist’s tasting menu, he can’t replicate the experience of a gangbang. At the same time, no restaurant can give me the warmth I feel waking up to find my hubby has made breakfast. Love and lust are simply different experiences, and I can’t find a rational reason to pick one when I can have both.

I’d never give up love for lust, but I also wouldn’t share my life with someone who can’t tell the difference. You can’t truly know that difference without experience, and I’m not interested in someone who confuses love with ownership or jealousy. I can’t love someone who passively accepts what we were taught about love and sex or carries social sexual shame without question. I need someone who shares my values — free in mind and body (which are really the same thing).

My only concerns have always been unwanted pregnancies and STDs. People think open relationships mean chaos, but it’s the opposite. It’s about being so blunt and honest with each other that nothing feels like a threat. If I mostly make love with my husband instead of sleeping with other people, it’s because I want to — not because I’m forced into monogamy. The relationship comes first, naturally. I don’t have to choose between love and my sexual freedom.

People sometimes ask if I’m poly. I’m not. One person to love is already a lot of work. I don’t feel incomplete in my relationship — I just enjoy sexual abundance. I eat great food at home, but sometimes I like to go to restaurants. I also can’t imagine loving two people at once. In theory, I have no issue with it; in practice, it seems exhausting. And I’ve never met anyone who stimulates my mind the way my husband does. I also feel many poly people don’t separate sex from relationships, so polyamory is the only way they can explore both.

Long story short: I’ve been in an open relationship for 17 years, married for the last five.